Don’t Get Hemorrhoids, Go to Piedmont!

My office is undergoing major renovations.  Last week it was time to shut down the bathrooms and start using the bathrooms on the 6th floor again as we’ve done in the past (normally when people decide to flush their belongings and clog the toilets).  Problem is the 6th bathrooms now require a key.  So we were given 2 keys attached to pocket size keychains that we can use and put back in the jar when we come back.  Apparently that concept proved a little too much for some of my co-workers and both keys were lost by the morning of the next day.  Solution:  Attach the key to a binder.  So here we are walking with the blue binders all the day long.  Everyone suddenly looked busier and more professional to other office workers from other offices.  Except that our binders were totally empty and we were not heading to any meetings.

The binder experiment failed rather quickly after we realized it was a little awkward and we suddenly were short on binders.  Enter.. Disco Sticks.  Like the ones they handed to you at the last Bar Misvah right after the oversize glasses and the hats.  The bathroom keys are now attached to flashy glowing disco sticks.  So picture this, while all the female employees enjoy the luxury of being able to use a small keychain, the male employees are walking around with flashy disco sticks.  Other offices are starting to notice that as well.. “What are they doing with those sticks”  “Is he just happy to see me”. “No, he’s going to the bathroom”, “and no one can be this happy to see you Betty”.  Its embarrassing.  Sometimes we, grown men, have to go in groups (single file) because we only have 2 sticks.  Feels like a tour guide leading his group to the bathroom.

The worst feeling is when you need to go to the bathroom before a long meeting and there are no sticks to be found.  Or you have been texting your way into a high level meeting, not realizing you just showed up carrying one of the disco sticks, in flashing mode (there’s a switch that turns it on, and the frequency of the flashing).  “That’s probably the guy that lost the keychains” you can hear then whispering.  Actually the worst part is when you sitting in the bathroom and hear keyless people trying to get in.  At that point you feel the need to stop your Candy Crush and start rushing things.  A recipe for popped veins and Hemorrhoids as I see it.

Piedmont cant come soon enough is what I’m trying to say.  I should have timed this trip better to avoid all this.  In about a month time, with the help of my disco stick, I will be leading a group of 2 out in the rolling hills of the Langhe and visiting the legendary Truffle festival in Alba before moving on to Emilia Romagna.  I’m seeing reports of 30 euros per shaving which is much higher than I originally anticipated and much higher than shavings of black truffles we’ve enjoyed in the past (apples to oranges but still).  At the NoMad last year I paid $34.   Truffle season is also here in NYC btw.  Marta will have them sometime this week or next (you may be able to shave them over eggs and pizza) and the Nomad, Maialino and the rest of the gang joining soon in the action.  But I will wait out the month truffle free.

You know those cable commercials “Don’t wake up in a roadside ditch, switch to cable“.  Don’t get Hemorrhoids, go to Piedmont!