Dear Giovanni Rana,
Welcome to America! I know all about your story and have been a fan since the day you opened your restaurant in the Chelsea Market. A bit touristy, but a small price to pay for top quality Ravioli and Tortellini. We are big fans of your hometown Verona as well, including the fake attraction of Romeo And Juliette (I rubbed the breasts as instructed and am enjoying an active love life ever since – Thank You!). I also love the entire Valpolicella wine region, and I spend ample time looking for Valpolicella Ripasso in the local Chinese store. Even though they dont carry Italian wine. Come to think of it, its just a Chinese grocery store that doesnt carry any wine. The word Valpolicella alone brings Mrs Ziggy into a “Fish Called Wanda” type trance.
But Mr Rana, I’m writing to you in regards to another matter. In about an hour Mrs Ziggy will arrive home to find out that there’s nothing for her to eat. NOTHING! You see, for dinner tonight I made one of your prepackaged products, Tortelloni Delicato. In the back of the package it says serving per container about 3½. 3½ I assume means 3 adults and a child, or 3 adults and the Olsen twins? Well, we are 2 adults, and 2 children, so 3½ should work perfectly for us, right? Well, not quite. I divided the Tortelloni evenly for my kids (about 14 pieces each) and the leftovers (about 8 pieces) for myself as you can see above. Mrs Ziggy gets nothing! No amount of “Valpolicella” chanting will save the day today. I may need to try something stronger like “Montepulciano D’abruzzo” or the names of some of your products in desperation but i doubt anything will work. I understand that Tortelloni are slightly larger than the average Tortellini but your “About” in “About 3½” is way off for not only American standards, but Armenian village standards. I’ve eaten in Italy many times, and I know its not Italian servings either. Maybe the French can get away with it. I still had to make a salad for myself, and if not for the urge to write this letter to save the starving children of the world, I would make a salad for Mrs Ziggy as well.
“About 2½” would have been more like it Mr. Rana! I thank you for your time.